Clara

I never believed in things like the afterlife, good and evil, heaven or hell, fate, destiny; none of it. I believed that reality was what it was, all that we experienced in the moment and nothing more. A complex machine of wills, intentions and coincidences. I had resigned myself to that belief about life and reality, and continued my days with a foreboding sense of meaninglessness to it all. I woke up every day just to do the same things, again and again, and I would do that until the day I died. I’d eat the same food, see the same places, do these same things forevermore.

I’d long since forgotten how unpredictable life could be, how interesting and exciting some coincidences could be, even if they were scary. I believe some part of me wanted the mundane, even though I secretly despised it. It was maddening to live that way, but it was worse to live in constant uncertainty about the future. I closed myself off to anything that shook that foundation I so carefully crafted to protect myself, and my peace.

That is, until I met Clara. Not when we met each other in actuality, not in this life, no. When I first saw that vision, I thought to myself, “is this what life could be?”, and I haven’t been able to let go of that small hope. But it’s contradicting… because I know all that followed, all that was to come. I saw that too, in the same instant. The death and despair that awaited us both. Clara said she saw something too, another life, and I couldn’t help but wonder if we saw the same things. I couldn’t help but wonder if she wanted to continue down this path with me, even knowing what could lie ahead.

In an effort to understand my NDE, I joined a kind of support group. All types of people would show up to these meetings and share their experiences, and how it’s affected their lives. I thought I was too focused on the experience that Clara and I shared, and that maybe it was normal among survivors of NDEs. And even if those experiences were vastly different from my own, there could be some common thread linking it all together. Maybe even just one more person, I thought was all I needed to finish dismissing these thoughts and these visions.

But now I wonder, looking back on it all, if it was the invisible hand of fate guiding me forward all along. Not just here, but in every moment, was fate guiding me to exactly where I needed to be, exactly when I needed to be there? Was every thought and every feeling, just the tug of destiny pulling me towards the inevitable future?

The first meeting I attended with this support group, "The Threshold Society”, ignited all these questions and more within me. I had first caught word of them through an ad in the university library, “Beckoning those who’ve had near brushes with death”, it read. It was immediately ominous and wasn’t even trying to hide it. But still, my curiosity was piqued. That much I couldn’t deny. Instead of reading through the Gnostic Hymns as I had promised Clara, I instead began researching the group, their location, and when they met. My search had brought along some interesting results, including the mention of someone who felt vaguely familiar to me. “Alex, the Whisperer”, another ominous name. But when I was reading this article about her NDE, a fire that had decimated her home and entire family, where she was somehow the only survivor; I thought that I had heard the story somewhere before. Alex, I pondered, who could she have been? And why did they call her, “The Whisperer”?

I decided I would go, just to see where things went. It may not be a total waste of time, I thought. From what I could find, they were hosted in an old church basement not far from the university every Thursday evening. I figured it would be best for me to take the chance to get out more, after that conversation with Clara over coffee. Her words echoed in my mind, “Is this out of character for you, too?” Indeed it was, all of it from the very beginning.

When I arrived at the meeting, there was no sight of Alex anywhere. I found it strange, given all the links to this group she seemed to have. It was even suggested she played a large role in starting the society, so I thought she must have been an organizer or played some key role here. Then suddenly, it was my turn to speak. I hadn’t noticed they were going around introducing themselves as I was lost in thought, wondering about Alex. I tried to keep my introduction brief and revealed little details about my experience. When it was over, I kind of froze up before I sat down, wondering if revealing so little about myself was really the right play. I struggled with the idea that if I wasn’t willing to speak up and sound a little crazy, then it was pointless to even be here, expecting anyone else going through something similar to do what I was too scared to. As I resigned myself to letting it go, assuring myself that there would be more meetings and I didn’t need to move so quickly, I heard a voice call out behind me, “Ethan?”

That voice, I thought. I’ve heard it before… in the visions, on that boundary! It was there that I had first heard that voice, calling out to me in the cacophony of other voices, some familiar and some unknown to me. Why did hers stand above the rest, that I could recognize it so quickly? I turned around and my anxiety heightened as my speculation was confirmed… It was Alex.

We hadn’t met before, I was sure of that. So how did she know? My confusion must have been painted clearly on my face as Alex approached, moved her hand to my shoulder, and sat me down while taking her place in the seat next to me. After a brief, awkward silence, Alex apologized for her tardiness and begged the group to continue. And as they went on, she leaned over to me and told me she’d been waiting. I didn’t know what to make of her comment, and my mind began racing as my heart pounded so fiercely that I could feel every beat throughout my body. My breathing was untempered, and eventually this nervous feeling became so overwhelming I realized I couldn’t even try to hide it, so I excused myself. Alex stood up and also excused herself before following me out of the basement.

She met me in the sanctuary, just before the entrance to the building. The room was bathed in orange light pouring in through the windows, but the lightning served to obscure Alex’s approach through the shadows left in its wake. Although I heard her call my name and took pause, I only noticed her presence just mere feet away from me. I hadn’t taken a good look at her back in the basement, but it was here that I noticed she was covered in a dark robe from head to toe, with only a small slit revealing her eyes. For a moment, I was paralyzed and couldn’t even begin to speak. There was still this anxiety I felt in my chest just looking at her, and I once again lost control of my breathing. This was more than just anxiety, I thought. It was fear, I was afraid of her but I couldn’t begin to understand where this feeling came from.

Alex finally spoke, “You don’t have to run, Ethan. What you’re experiencing right now isn’t that uncommon.”

“What do you know about me, or what I’m going through?”, I retorted. I caught myself, realizing I was too guarded and might have come off as rude. “I’m sorry, I just…”

But Alex cut me off before I could continue, shaking her head and lowering her eyes, “It’s okay. Just stay, and I’ll explain at the end. Deal?”

I was reluctant to take her offer. Something within me didn’t trust her at all. And when I really thought about it, I didn’t know if I trusted Clara either. It felt like the people around me knew more than me, but were playing with their hands close to the chest. I couldn’t shake this feeling that I was being manipulated, but without any tangible explanation as to why, I couldn’t give in to that feeling. Logic reduced and minimized my worries, however still potent they were, until I gave up arguing with myself and followed Alex back to the group.

By the end, there was no mention of visions or dreams of another life. But there were a few that told their recollection of what they felt was an afterlife. What was interesting was the imagery was not what I would expect. One person, Lance, told a story of walking along a road that led him nowhere. He walked for such a long time, that time itself became meaningless. His entire experience was just trudging along this long, foggy road into nothingness. When he awoke, he noted he was completely alone in the room, no family or friends waiting by his bedside. I just thought that was kind of similar with me. There were no strange memories or voices involved in his experience, but it still felt relatable. I wanted to talk and get to know him a bit better, but before I could make my way over, Alex looked at me and asked me to follow her. As I did, I looked back one more time to see Lance taking his leave. Resigning my hope to have a conversation with him, I steeled myself for this confrontation with Alex, where she would explain what she knew about me and what was happening in my life with these visions.

I followed Alex to the back of the basement, down a darkened corridor where only brief flashes of the flickering light would reveal the path ahead. As we approached a door at the back of this hallway, almost entirely engulfed in the darkness now, I could barely make out Alex’s eyes as she looked up at me before opening the way into a small office. Unfortunately, I could have never prepared myself for who was waiting in there for me.

When the door opened, I was first greeted with a foreboding aura, a malignant presence that stopped me in my tracks. He was sitting in a blue armchair pointed towards the desk on the other side of the room. His back was towards us, but even upon our entrance, he didn’t even begin to turn around. I tried not to react, but I couldn’t take another step forward. Alex held my hand but she didn’t pull me along or anything. She just stood there with me, looking at me with soft eyes. She must have known what I was feeling… but how much did she know? From my perspective, she knew so much more about me than I could fathom. It took a moment, but eventually I took a deep breath and continued into the office while Alex let go and sat at her desk.

I sat in an office chair next to him and took a quick glance at the man, only to see a familiar sight. His eyes… I recalled the man that assaulted me, and I felt his eyes were the same. This presence, this gut wrenching anxiety, is it that my mind and soul knew who he was before I even saw him? It must be him, I thought. I wanted to get up and leave, and at the same time, I wanted to lunge at him and make him pay for what he did. I don’t think I’ve ever felt anger like that which consumed me in those moments, but I could feel Alex’s glare searing into me. I came to my senses once again, taking another deep breath and letting out a massive sigh. This was all too much to take in. Unfortunately, I wouldn’t have the luxury of time to process it all before Alex began speaking, “Ethan, this is Elias. You two have met before, no?”

She knew. And that was almost enough for that swelling rage to take hold of me once more, but she continued, “Ethan, calm yourself. There’s a reason for all of this. There’s a reason you met him… and Clara.”

She knows everything…

“I’ve already seen it Ethan, our meeting. In another life, you came here and told us everything. You weren’t ready then, for us to talk like this. So it never happened. But you’ve seen them, haven’t you? Those glimpses of a future that haven’t transpired.”

I wished she would have slowed down for just a moment. I didn’t even know where to begin with a response. I had too many questions. There was a tension building up inside of me and I couldn’t contain it any longer. My words and questions began to spill out in a flurry, “Why him? How do you know so much about me? Why do you know about Clara? Why-”

Elias was the one to cut me off, “Just shut the fuck up and listen to her.”

“Who the fu-”

But I was once again cut off by Alex this time, “Enough. Please. This is bigger than the both of you, bigger than all of us.” I tried to take her plea seriously, and gave my best attempt at ignoring Elias’ presence in the room while I gathered my composure. “This is too much, Alex,” I said shakily, a sense of defeat permeated in my voice. I could barely get the words out, and while I was somehow hoping Alex would be there to calm me, every word she uttered felt like it pushed me further away from her. I understood her less and less, and the distance between us in this room began to feel like a ravine.

“I think we’re trapped, Ethan. You, me, Clara, Elias… I know that it must be you all for sure that are trapped here with me. I’ve been seeing you in these dreams, and I began to understand that our meeting would happen someday. I have a mission Ethan, and I need all of you to see it through. To cross the threshold.”

“The threshold…”, I pondered aloud. The Threshold society name began to make sense. “Then, have you seen The Boundary too? The endless light, and that approaching darkness?” I asked. It was Elias that answered, “I’ve seen it, those strange memories. And those shadows that swallowed them. You still haven’t explained this shit to me Alex!”

“... I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure things out myself.”

I didn’t believe her. I know I wasn’t imagining this, this shadow looming over her. Every word she said was met by doubt in my mind. And in this room, I felt as I did in my visions as the darkness consumed me; this anxiety, this tightness in my chest, this uneasy breathing…

“I’ve done some research into these visions ever since the incident that changed my life,” Alex said, quickly shooting me a glance in a brief pause before continuing her story, “And after some time, I found my first lead. A long forgotten story about a God that punished people by trapping their souls in eternity, forcing them to live out their lives in an endless cycle until it was cleansed of evil and sin.”

“And you believe it?”, I interrupted. I found it hard to believe that some legend of old had anything to do with the reality of our situation, and yet, there might have been some sense to it. It was too bizarre to consume at first, but I knew that whatever this was, was beyond my understanding. I would never be able to reconcile these happenings with the reality I was familiar with. All of this showed me that the rules I believed reality had to follow, were wildly inaccurate.

“I believe most of it. I’m not too sure about the God bit, but what else could explain our visions?”, she responded.

She only stated exactly what I was thinking, and that only made me fearful that she could even read my mind. She’s peered into my future and my past. I couldn’t put any bit of knowledge past her at this point. I looked to my left, to Elias, wondering what he was thinking and if it was also his first time hearing all of this. He was leaning forward, resting his chin on one arm with the other sitting in his lap, deep in contemplation. “You realize how crazy this shit sounds?”, Elias laughed sarcastically before continuing, “The fuck am I gonna do with this information Alex?”

“You’ll help me”, she responded, “We’ll escape this cycle and our suffering. That’s my mission. Or you can continue your life as you wish, until the inevitable tragedies you’ve seen come to fruition. There’s no escaping fate, just as we met this day.”

Elias stood up and turned towards the door, letting out something between a grunt and a sigh, “I’ll sleep on it. I guess.” he said as he took his leave and disappeared beyond the corner. With just me and Alex left, I focused my attention back on her and tried to process everything she said earlier. An eternal cycle of punishment and inevitable tragedy… “Is this some kind of purgatory?” I asked.

“I don’t know, maybe. Or maybe this is reality for all of us. Maybe we just happened to come too close to the threshold, and took notice.”

I think that was the only thing she said that wasn’t met with any doubt at all. When I looked at her, I sensed that she knew so much more than she let on, but it felt pointless trying to pry her. She was smart, and she was ten steps ahead of me at this point, at least. I thought about it some more, and decided I’d agree to help her. I couldn’t understand everything she was saying, but I knew working with her would undoubtedly bring me closer to understanding the truth of the matter. What I wanted was to have the same level of understanding Alex seemed to have. She knew the inviolable truth about these visions and the nature of reality, a truth and knowledge that most people would never come close to gaining. I wanted to attain that same level of understanding, maybe that was what I’ve yearned for all my life. I wanted to know why it is that we exist in this world.