What do we know?

What do we really know about the world we live in?

For centuries, we knew nothing at all, in spite of humanity's best efforts to comprehend the universe around us. We built grand cathedrals and towering cities, filled libraries with knowledge, yet the fundamental questions remained unanswered. Is there a purpose to our existence? A higher order? A reason as to why we suffer?

I used to think the answers were irrelevant. We'd create our own meanings within the cold, indifferent cosmos. But now… now I see glimpses of a different truth. A desolate realm swallowed by darkness… whispers of a cruel god trapping souls in an endless cycle. In my eyes, humanity are but pieces on the board of a game being played on the backdrop of the universe. Are our lives truly something so fickle, to be played with, put on repeat forever as tragedy repeats itself inevitably, time and time again? Alex’s words brought upon these feelings of meaningless, and depression.

I lay in my bedroom, staring blankly at the ceiling for hours just thinking about everything that Alex said, the visions I saw, and Clara. I’d been avoiding her. I miss her calls, and respond intermittently to her texts. Every time I think of her, I see that vision again more clearly than I’ve ever seen it. It is no longer a vision in my mind, but a memory, and I feel all the emotion as if I’ve lived it. I knew I was losing my grip, but it was far too late to turn back. Whatever the future had in store, I would have to face it one day or another.

While I laid there in my thoughts, there was a knock at my door that brought me back to reality. The room felt brighter, and I could suddenly hear the lofi I left playing in the background. My apartment was a mess as I hardly had the mind to keep up with it. I sprung up and moved to the door, past the piles of clothes in the corner of the studio, the leftover takeout sitting on my coffee table, and the sink full of dishes before I finally made it to the entrance and looked through the peephole to discover it was… Clara. I cursed myself for being like this, having to invite her into my chaos for the first time like this, and opened the door. She smiled as she walked in, offering me a hug before continuing towards my bed. “This is nice”, she said, “How long have you been here?”

Was she really going to act like I wasn’t ignoring her all this time? I sighed and tried to compose myself instead of pondering, as I tend to do. “I wasn’t expecting you…” I said, as it was all I could muster. I wanted to explain everything to her, but I couldn’t imagine how she’d react.

“Oh, you’re going to ignore my questions in person too?”, she responded while rolling her eyes, “What’s been going on with you?”

“Why do you care?”

Clara seemed taken aback by my response and guardedness, but it was a genuine question. We had barely known each other, and we had a good connection, but I didn’t understand why she showed so much interest, or why she came over to see me. Her eyes darted around the room nervously before they locked onto my own and she responded, “I just, I don’t know. I can leave, if that’s what you want.”

“No, I don’t… I don’t know what I’m saying right now, Clara. I’m so confused about everything. I don’t know why anything is happening, or if it means anything. Or if maybe life is meant to be this chaotic.” I tried to let my guard down and be vulnerable with her for a second. I didn’t want to keep hiding from this one person who actually seemed to care and was here for me, but it was hard to trust anyone when I felt so in the dark.

“Why won’t you just tell me!” Clara shouted, “I know something’s wrong, I thought we could talk to each other about these things.”

“I know… I’ll tell you everything.”

And so I told her everything, from the visions I had of her, to Alex’s story about this eternal cycle. Clara just sat and listened to me, and when all was done, she remained quiet for a while longer just taking it all in. I let the silence sit between us, bouncing back and forth between these feelings of being unburdened, and feeling anxious at what came next. Clara looked up at me and just stared into my eyes for a moment without saying anything. I found myself lost in her blue eyes, just wanting for her not to leave. I didn’t think I’d be able to stomach that kind of rejection. She must have seen the worry on my face, as I’ve never been good at hiding my feelings. She leaned back and placed her hand on top of mine, taking a deep breath. But before she could say anything, her phone rang. “I’m sorry, let me take this.” she said as she took the call, then she followed “What is it, Elias? I’m busy”

Elias? There was no way… but it was as true as it is that the sun rises in the east. Was this too, a matter of fate? I thought about what Alex had said to Elias that day, about the inevitable tragedies that awaited us. She must have known something, if she knew about me and Clara. If we were tied together by fate, then what was her role in this? Clara’s words were all but muted by my own racing thoughts, but they were interrupted by her brief glance. She looked away as I caught her gaze, and continued her attempts to dismiss Elias. Eventually she would give up, repeating “Okay, Okay, I’ll see you later” in defeat before ending the call. “I know, Ethan. I know there’s probably a lot on your mind right now, but I really have to go. I’m not abandoning you okay? So don’t…”, Clara trailed off and looked down. I realized she wasn’t going to finish, so I spoke up,

“I won’t abandon you either. I’ll keep in touch, I promise.”

As she took off, I was left with a feeling of emptiness, and then the questions came back. Just how clueless have I been in all of this? Why did they know each other? But then the most damning question of all popped into my mind. How did she even find me here? I had never given her my address… It was at this point that I started to feel like I couldn’t sit around just thinking anymore, I needed answers. I began by searching for any recounts of NDEs that would’ve matched my own. I really wondered if there were other people like Alex, who were hyper aware of concepts like fate and the threshold. I might’ve read a dozen or so before I started losing wind and doubting myself. What am I doing? I was about to lose myself in thoughts again, but I caught myself this time by thinking of Clara. She said she’d be back, it was a promise… we’d be there for each other through this. I had to remind myself I wasn’t alone. It might’ve been what I was used to, but my life was different now. I hardly had the time to process how much things have changed. But she was the first person to visit my apartment in years. I spent so much of my life just trying to survive, just barely existing, that I forgot what it felt like to have someone close to you. Even if the circumstances around it were complicated, some part of it was still kind of comfortorting.

I decided to take a break from my research and clean the apartment. I couldn’t have Clara come back into this mess, so I spent the rest of the night catching up on laundry and cleaning out garbage until I fell asleep. The next morning, I was woken up by a phone call. It was a number I didn’t recognize, but I had this sneaking feeling that I knew who it was. I answered the phone, and hardly to my surprise, Alex started speaking, “We should meet up today. Are you busy?”, she asked. I told her I was mostly free, but anything could come up. That was still good enough for her, and we agreed to meet in the afternoon, at a park nearby the church where Threshold Society is hosted.

I spent most of my morning finishing my chores, and then restarting my search for NDEs like my own. This time, it wasn’t long until I came upon a story that caught my interest. It was from a blog named after the writer, “Jesse Lane’s stories”, in a post dubbed “The Eternal Return”.

The blog started, “Hey everyone, Jesse here. You might know me from the yoga classes on Tuesdays, but a few months ago, I had a bit of a wild experience. I was in a car accident, and things went dark. Everything. Then, whoosh! Like a light switch, I was back. But it wasn't the same.

It's hard to explain, but while I was out, it felt like... well, everything. Like I was reliving every single moment of my life, good and bad, at the same time. It was intense, overwhelming, but somehow peaceful too. And then, just like that, it stopped. I woke up in the hospital with a bruised ego and a cracked rib, but forever changed.”

I was shocked to actually find someone who had similar things happen to them. I was almost elated as I read her post, but I held my excitement and continued, “Ever since, I can't shake this feeling of familiarity. Like I've seen it all before. Maybe not exactly the same way, but the echoes are there. It's like the universe is on repeat, and we're just along for the ride. Kind of scary, but hear me out.

This experience has made me see life differently. It's not about the destination, it's about the journey. Every choice, every stumble, every laugh - they all matter. Because if we are reliving everything, wouldn't we want to make it the best version it can be? That's what keeps me going these days. It's not about some grand purpose, but about embracing every moment, good or bad. After all, this might be the only time we get to experience it.

Maybe you've had a similar experience, or maybe you think I'm just spouting woo-woo nonsense. Either way, hit me up in the comments! Let's chat about life, the universe, and everything.”

Finishing her post, I couldn’t stop thinking about the words she concluded her story with, embracing every moment, good or bad. I didn't know how to feel about the future – a twisting, unseen road that lately held only a looming shadow. But living in the moment, cherishing what we have...a thought of Clara surfaced. Could she share that same tenacity?

Overcome with the desire to know more, I frantically looked for the date the blog was posted, December 20th, 2011. It was so long ago, over ten years! Could so much time have passed and she still feel as strongly? The blog was still up, so maybe she'd be willing to talk. My fingers flew across the keyboard as I left a comment: “I’ve been having these similar feelings after a brush with death myself, and wanted to ask you some things. Can we talk?”

To my surprise, she answered almost instantly, telling me to shoot her an email. Within minutes, we'd arranged a video call. The time moved slowly while I kept myself fixated on the clock, watching each second pass with an agonizing crawl.

But before long, the time finally came. Jesse’s face popped onto my screen with a wide smile and a strong wave. She seemed excited to have this conversation with me, maybe even more than I was. Jesse introduced herself as a mother to three kids, who’d “been through hell and back” but remained strong through it all. It was clear to me her visions, and her tenacity in the face of them, gave her a chip on her shoulder. But I couldn’t fault her for her confidence, it was something I was sorely lacking in.

I hesitated to ask her anything too pointed or personal, instead opting to ask why she named the post as she did. “You never heard of it?”, she inquired. I shook my head, trying to hide a slight feeling of embarrassment. “Oh, well it’s super interesting. So, Nietzsche…”, and so she went on a short rant about this philosopher who proposed the universe was caught in an eternal cycle of death and rebirth, and all life along with it. We may have lived in an endless recurrence of all events through history, ad infinitum.

“I’ve never heard of it until now, but it sounds like a likely explanation.” I told her.

“It might be, but it was only a thought experiment. But it makes you wonder what gave him the idea, you know?”

Then I had a thought, and I knew the moment it crossed my mind that I had to ask Jesse, “Did you know that we would meet today?”

It almost looked as if she was trying to hide her smile, like she was expecting that question all along. “Maybe. Would that change anything? You had a gut feeling and you followed it. So did I.”

“Hm. So then, have you ever tried to change anything?”, I asked. Jesse’s demeanor shifted and her bright, playful aura seemed to dissipate at the question.

“You know, for every one thing I know, there are a hundred, maybe a thousand memories in between that I’ve never seen. The highlight reel doesn’t tell the whole story. I’ve met my fate in every effort to avoid it, so I’ve learned to embrace it.”

“Do you think that’s fair? Isn’t that a burden?”

“It is, but it’s not only mine to carry. I have my husband, and I might know my future, but I don't know his, or my childrens. I don’t live for myself anymore, so it hardly matters as long as they’re with me. We get through anything and everything together.”

“Together…”, I mumbled. I know she wasn’t just telling me a story then, her voice carried an undertone of caution, as if she were warning me that it was futile. I kept thinking about Clara, and the thought that maybe she felt the same as someone like Jesse.